This post does not reflect any kind of opinion. Of course, it is not a real story, but solely the product of its author’s imagination. Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.
Dear friends,
I am Wáng Méiyòng, proudly member of the Chinese Ministry of State Security (MSS). For some years now, I have the best job in the world: spying on Europe. It is well paid and it is the funniest in our organization because of the European way of thinking. And besides, as nowadays we rely mostly on cyberspace, we are happily in Beijing, sitting in front of a warm computer and smiling while watching and listening Europeans. What more could you ask for?
But let’s start this history. Until some years ago these intelligence tasks were assigned to our counterparts in the People’s Liberation Army (PLA). However, a series of unfortunate events made possible that us, the MSS, became the main Chinese threat actor in cyberspace. Of course, the term “unfortunate” is for our colleagues at the PLA: for us, this assignment was one of the best things in our history. Until then, we were spying on our own citizens: a boring job, as Chinese are responsible, hardworking, serious, and routine. To spy on Europeans is far more funny, without any doubt.
Let’s be honest: Europeans are endearing. They are the pandas of the geopolitics: sweet, soft and with serious difficulties to survive in freedom. We enjoy while Western cyber threat intelligence researchers identify our groups as “the pandas”: Mustang Panda, Emissary Panda… Of course, in the bureau, the internal unofficial name of our departments is always panda related. But not because the panda is our national animal: it is because we identify Europeans with pandas. Each group has a name depending on the country it targets: Beer Panda for the department focused on Germany, Pizza Panda for the one focused on Italy, Baguette Panda for the one focused on France, Paella Panda for the Spanish one, and so on. Tea Panda was the department targeting UK, but it is now dismantled and their former members were reallocated into a MSS department identified as The Slanted Five Eyes: the FVEY + China, as we are into their hardware even if they don’t know about it.
In the bureau, our mission is clear: to identify relevant information in Europe, to gather it and to generate valuable intelligence. In some cases we outsource part of our operations to MSS contractors. It is not just a contract, but a way to share the fun: when these contractors target some European sectors their staff laugh out loud. Have you heard the famous sentence from Edward O. Wilson about the Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions, and god-like technology? This is true for Europeans, but only for emotions and institutions.
Europe is funny, but it is far away from the USA. We compete with Americans in many technological fields, from quantum computing to semiconductors. And nowadays the one that worries us the most is, of course, artificial intelligence (AI). AI has become a race between superpowers, such as the nuclear race or the space race between USA and the USSR in the past century. But in this AI race the two superpowers are USA and us. Not Russia and, of course, not Europe: Europeans are very busy keeping caps on bottles, thus saving the world. However, in some cases we find interesting issues in European companies. The few times this happens, we apply our copy & paste policy, and in a couple of months we are able not only to reproduce the finding, but to improve it and to sell the results by half its real price. Simple, isn’t it? And every time Europeans realize our activities, we make a bet among the members of the department: how will the EU react? Usually, the winners are “deeply concerned”, “very concerned” or simply “concerned”. However, in some cases Europeans get really angry and their reaction is to “condemn” our initiatives. They are so funny!!! Meanwhile, we solve real problems. Just like the Russians, but with more discretion.
The funniest moments in the bureau are when Europeans deal with privacy issues. “Privacy” is a Western word with no direct translation into Chinese. It is heartwarming to see Europeans claiming about privacy, and even publishing a bunch of laws about citizen’s rights, information protection or personal data. Europeans really love regulations, and they spend most of their time generating laws and directives, updating them and, later, repealing them. Some of our staff believe that EU policymakers would amend, or even repeal, the law of gravity if they could. And all this while relying on the very network devices and smartphones we build, or while buying in our online shops. We like to imagine some decision making process in Brussels: “How could we protect our citizens and economy? Let’s hinder the use of technologies for European companies in the name of privacy through a new EU directive, while our data is handled by Huawei”. It is funny, isn’t it?
In summary, spying on Europe is hilarious. They are the real pandas of the world, not us. However, we suspect that this position will soon disappear: in some years, Europe will become a new Chinese province, or perhaps an autonomous region (in fact, when they look at their leaders, many Europeans think this is the best solution). When this happens, our department will be transferred to Bureau 1 or Bureau 3, and our job will be boring again. Meanwhile, we enjoy the best job in the world!
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